i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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