the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
