mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
