How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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