Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
