Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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