I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
