the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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