we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
