I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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