PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
