Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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