I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
