8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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