So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
