I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
