I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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