wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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