also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
