Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
