I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
