You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
