I'm passing your future prison.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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