My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
