I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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