I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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