I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
