New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
