Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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