I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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