bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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