It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
