My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
