John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The ass gains better be worth it
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