remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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