is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
