i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
