Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
