it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
