I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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