I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
