I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
