listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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