remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
as a side note pls kill me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
