Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
