he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
