I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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