Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
