I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
