There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
