I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
